F: hey

Me: hey man!!!!

F: how’s u

Me: just chilling, watching Newsnight in my pants lol, u?

F: what

Me: if I were a woman I would want to look like Emily Maitlis what about you?

Me: i already do quite a bit and im a man!

Me: hey, remember when Paxo went on a rant about M&S pants a few years back and how they don’t make them supportive enough and he was pissed off because you couldn’t get good pants anymore, what was that all about?

Me: he must have quite pendulous balls

Me: u horny?

Me: hello?

—–

Me: hi there!

Bttm25: hey

Bttm25: u ok?

Bttm25: wht u up 2?

Me: nt mch

Me: u?

Me: dvsttngly lnly?

Me: Lkng 2 fll da crshng vd in ur lf?

—–

D: hi how r u

Me: Sorry, but have you got a photo you can show me before I reply?

D: lets just chat a bit

Me: Sorry, but your syntax is actually quite a lot like my father’s and I want to make absolutely certain before we proceed.

D: lol wtf?!!

Me: Fuck off Dad, I’m blocking you.

—–

MrXX: hey are you looking for fun?

Me: Oh my god, yes!

MrXX: what are you into?

Me: The usual, really!

Me: Bartering, deep inhalation, custard, vertebrae, insistent questioning, Gryffindor v Slytherin roleplay, common bookie and posh bettor roleplay, rude semaphore, anything that can be called a ‘head’, Song of Solomon roleplay, nipple-clamps, indoctrination, scat singing, groups, feathers, Viking-style worship, gym-wear, Tory Party Conference roleplay, knees, clowns, shuttlecocks, rockabillies, mice, naked snooker, bandits, femmes, Goonies roleplay, voyeurism (I own a vintage lorgnette!), rap battles, cuddling, naughty ventriloquism, barking, the notion of an ‘Eldorado’, werewolves, war, lockets, eye-licking, truncheons, magnets, voodoo, the Ballets Russes, kissing, marbles, libraries, phlebotomy, transvestism, the tango, monkeys, The Monkees, monkey-wrenches, Ian Brown and ‘Madchester’, piercings, lip-biting, waterbeds, Stanley and Livingstone roleplay, whispering, shouting, mutism, Sanskrit, drawing-pins, ears, zombies, pageantry, the St Bartholomew’s Day Massacre, pineapples, chamber music, drowning.

Me: But I’m open to anything really.

—–

NLondonman: Hello

Me: Hi there, nice profile pic!

NLondonman: Thks, you to!

NLondonman: *too

Me: That’s so kind of you to correct your spelling.

Me: How are things?

NLondonman: Gd thanks.

NLondonman: Got any more pics?

Me: Yes!

Me: [hotphoto.jpg]

Me: [hotphoto2.jpg]

Me: [sexy.jpg]

Me: Received?

Me: I’m the one wearing the flat-cap in the first 2 pics.

Me: By the tree.

Me: Funny story, the two other guys in that last photo both had to go to hospital afterwards!

—–

NewtoLondonlooking4friends: Hello!

Me: NOT INTERESTED, M8

—–

Me: Hey have I chatted to you before

OnlyIntoRealMen: Hey yeah I think so.

Me: Ah, OK.

Me: Sorry!

Me: How are you doing?

OnlyIntoRealMen: Have you read my profile.

Me: Yep!

OnlyIntoRealMen: You are quite twinky and camp, man, sorry.

Me: I can bulk up!

Me: I only sit with my legs crossed 70% of the time!

Me: JUST GIVE ME A FUCKING CHANCE!

OnlyIntoRealMen: Only into real men, sorry. No camps or femmes or twinks.

Me: Oh god, come on man, I really want this, you have no idea! I’m going to put weight on like Robert de Niro and go swimming every day and eat chicken and disparage women, you won’t even recognise me, then you’ll see, then you won’t tell me I look delicate or whatever, I never let anything get me down, you say no, I just hear ‘yes but’, just you wait and see, I thrive on a challenge, think I can’t do this? THINK I CAN’T DO THIS?! just you wait and see

(Later)

Me: What I should have said yesterday is, “Read some Judith Butler and then we’ll talk!!!”

Me: Hello?

—–

PD: hey

Me: Aha! At last!

PD: At last what?

Me: I’ve always seen you on here and never had the guts to talk to you, you look so fantastic!

PD: Oh thanks man.

Me: np

PD: You look nice too.

Me: I am! I really am, you know!

Me: Very perspicacious of you.

Me: But you look *extra* brilliant.

PD: So what are you doing?

Me: Oh, you know.

PD: Looking to fuck?

Me: Yuck

Me: I always knew you couldn’t live up to my image of you. You should know that I’m not at all into foul-mouthed vulgarity.

PD: What?

Me: I used to think you were so great, man.

Me: I used to imagine what you’d say to me, how we’d walk together in the evening, you’d meet my brother and you’d both get on brilliantly despite your differences, you would love art and music, be great at tennis, all that.

Me: I thought you’d buy me dinner on our first date, and only then, after a few dates, would we very tentatively bring up the topic of hardcore boning.

Me: I’m so disappointed.

Me: Really upset.

—–

XXL: Hey there

XXL: [xxl.jpg]

Me: Jesus Christ, what the fuck is that?!?!!!!

Me: Oh OK, sorry, I just had another look.

Me: It’s upside down, I get it.

XXL: You got any photos?

Me: Yes, will send. Sorry, I’m still trying to recover from that photo.

Me: When it popped up on my screen I thought it was going to eat me!

Me: I actually shrieked when I saw it!

Me: Sorry man, no shame intended. It’s just I’m still quaking in fear.

XXL: Wha?

Me: Fucking hell. Still not over that.

XXL: Fuck off.

Me: Fair enough, man. Fair enough.

—–

BD: hey

BD: how r u?

BD: [me.jpg]

Me: I said fuck off Dad!

BD: Eh?

Me: Oh don’t give me that, I’d recognise that anywhere.

—–

Me: Hi

T: Hey

Me: Hey how’s it going?

T: Grindr says you’re two metres away lol!

Me: Yes, that’s me in the hat and sunglasses across the room.

Me: I just waved at you.

Me: You didn’t wave back.

Me: I can hear your phone pinging so I know you’re reading these messages.

Me: I’m going to drop my napkin in five minutes. Pick it up and hand it back to me if you want to fuck.

—–

G: hi

Me: Oh my god! I love you!

Me: Wait.

Me: Karim?

Me: Oh, sorry man, I thought you were someone else.

Me: Someone I used to know.

Me: Called Karim.

G: Erm

Me: You look a bit like him with your top off, sorry.

G: OK well good luck man, think I’ll pass.

Me: I never got to tell him I loved him.

Me: It eats at me, every day. I can’t sleep at night.

Me: I lost his number when I changed phones, you see.

Me: I know you’re not reading these messages but this is really helping me work through some stuff.

Me: I love you.

—–

Me: hi

T: hey

Me: Sorry, I’m just messaging because you have a phone in your hand in your profile photo and I thought you might know what to do when my phone won’t stop beeping.

T: what?

Me: It’s like a kind of prrrp-prrrp-prrrp-prrrp-prrrp coming from somewhere and I can’t get it to stop.

Me: Like when you’ve got a window open on your computer with a pop-up ad that’s playing a jingle and you can’t find it.

Me: Except it’s on my phone.

Me: Any ideas? You look like you’re quite clued up technology-wise.

Me: And I can’t stop Google maps zooming.

Me: Thoughts?

—–

F: hi

Me: hello!

F: Remember me?

Me: James?

Me: Stephen.

F: No.

Me: Hmm.

F: We went on a date last year and you said I had womanly hands.

Me: Sorry, this doesn’t ring any bells.

F: We went out for tapas and you said you didn’t like sharing food.

Me: That does sound like me.

Me: Michael?

Me: Enzo?

F: Felipe.

Me: Tapas… Felipe… Are you Spanish?

F: Yes.

Me: I remember now! I think I was a bit drunk sorry.

Me: Did I sing ‘Bailamos’?

F: Yes.

Me: I think I remember.

Me: Anyway, how are you?

Me: Want to go on another date?

F: No.

F: I saw you on here and wanted to give you some advice because I had quite a bad date, and you seem a bit unhappy.

F: You didn’t listen to anything I said, on our date, and you had been drinking, and I think you need to have a bit more respect.

F: You seem like you’re probably a nice guy but I did not get a chance to speak all night.

Me: If you keep harassing me like this I’ll report you to the police.

—–

Me: Hey, stupid question, but are you Eddie Redmayne?

—–

Me: hey

GGG: hi man

Me: Are you into tennis?

GGG: no

Me: That’s a shame because I’m watching the Wimbledon quarter-finals completely naked.

Me: [tennisselfie.jpg]

Me: Hello?

—–

Daddy4younger: hi

Me: hey

Me: I should warn you

Me: IMMEDIATELY

Me: I’m not into older guys

Me: At all.

Me: But

Me: Would you like to read me a story while I go to sleep?

Daddy4younger: Hahaha no thanks

Me: Oh go on.

Me: I’m ever so tired, and this Alice Munro story won’t read itself.

Me: You can masturbate after I’ve nodded off, and let yourself out of the flat.

Me: Hello?

—–

Me: hi

PD: hey

Me: OK look, I’m willing to give you another chance because you’re so good-looking, but careful not to disappoint me again!

Me: I won’t stand for any rudeness!

Me: [dirty.jpg]

Me: Horny?

***

Photograph by Caspar Salmon

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